In All Honesty…


{photo mine– taken on our condo’s balcony yesterday morning}


(From a journal entry I just scribbled in the car on the way home from Florida. Yes, we are in fact still in the car as I type this. ‘Tis a day-long drive for us Tennesseans.)


I’m feeling the sharp pangs of conviction right now– my own complacency suffocates me. I feel that I can’t breathe– or do anything to stop the tears from leaking down my cheeks, for that matter.

Last night, while walking through Pier Park, we came across an older man standing with a giant wooden cross and proclaiming the Gospel to anyone who would (or wouldn’t) listen.

My stomach twisted when the cops came riding up on their motor scooters, clearly to shoo the man away because standing there and proselytizing probably wasn’t legal. The thought flashed through my mind– go stand with him— but what did I do?

Nothing. I kept on walking with that uncomfortable prickly feeling that something was wrong. (Maybe with me.)

What’s more, when my family started talking about it in the car just now, I said something about how his method could’ve been “more effective”; perhaps a one-on-one conversation would be more influential than standing and talking to a huge group of people who aren’t really listening.

My dad’s reproof was mild, but hit home nevertheless: at least he’s doing something. He’s broken enough about the thousands of lost people in Panama City, and passionate enough to try and point them towards the Way Home.

“We say that we’re unashamed of Jesus, but are we really? We have the cure for cancer– are we really so selfish as to hide it away for ourselves?”

And it was then that it hit me in full force– what exactly am I doing with the opportunities that God has given me to share Jesus?

Not much. I pray for God to use me– but when do I ever take action?

It’s the same prayer I prayed going into high school– Lord, use me!— but here I am on the brink of my senior year, and I have the sinking feeling that I’ve done nothing of kingdom-value with my time.

I feel as if I’m wasting my youth– and that terrifies me.

Father, I know I’ve prayed this so many times, but today I’m completely serious: please use me.

I want to be bold, I want to serve You– but I have no idea where to begin. Will You show me where to go? I’ll follow You, even to places where my feet may fail– especially to those places of faith. Will You break my heart and make it more attuned to Yours– more open to loving others with Your love? Will You help me act so that my faith isn’t just one of words, but of my everything?

Dear God, please– help me live boldly for You and only You.


{love always, Em}


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